We have been blessed in that we have not had many issues regarding the adoptions of our children. Both of our families treat our kids like all of the other kids in the family. Our friends have been great as well. So yes, we have truly been blessed. But there have been times when I have been slack jawed by what some people have said.
Over the past 7 1/2 years, we have been blessed to parent 13 little ones. We are foster parents, as well as adoptive parents. Mostly, we are simply PARENTS. We have been blessed to have open adoption relationships with our kids' birth families. Yes, I have said the word 'blessed' quite often so far .. and there is a reason for that. "I" feel we are blessed for these things .. others dont see it that way.
Tom and I are obviously "white". Well, we have always felt that a child is a child, regardless of color or nationality. We have fostered (and we are in the process of adopting) biracial children. We have had some ... INTERESTING comments regarding our kids. for example:
One afternoon I was shopping with my former foster son, who was almost 2 years old at the time. He is AA/Hispanic, but looked full AA. (he was one of the cutest little guys, let me TELL you!!!) He was in the cart as I was pushing, and we were giggling together. One older lady came up to us, and asked, in an annoying (to me LOL) tone, "Wherever did you go and GET HIM!" .. it was very obvious she was meaning "what country did this boy come from" .. I could tell by her tone of voice, and by her manner ... I was shocked, and annoyed ... and actually came up with a GREAT LINE on the spot!! (which NEVER happens, its normally after the fact that I come up with the best lines!) so my response was "Isle 6, they had a special" and I walked off!
I mean, come ON. What if I had been married to a nice handsome black man? Just because a WHITE MOM walks around with a BLACK child, does not always mean she went elsewhere to "GET" her child. Yes, I DO adopt, but give me a break!
I have also had the comment of "how much did it cost?" .. first of all, that comment is wrong on SO many levels. The first thing I noticed was the word "IT" I know they were actually trying to refer to the adoption itself, but that could also be interpreted as them calling my child "IT" big X there, to start. THEN ... ok, my children are priceless. Yes, we do foster to adopt, which actually didnt cost us the 'normal' thousands of dollars that some other forms of adoption cost ... thats not the point. Even for those who do pay adoption fees, they dont pay for the CHILD ... they pay the fees to the attorney, agency, workers, etc. Just as someone who gave birth to their child would pay the hospital and doctor bills.
We specialize in medically fragile, substance exposed babies. What this means is that some of the babies we have had in our home have had prenatal exposure to drugs. Its sad, yes. We dont go spreading that fact around though because its none of the worlds business. Not every baby or child we have parented have been exposed though. I can not stand it though, when people ask "did his/her REAL mom use drugs?" ... ok, first of all, its none of your business. Second of all, "I" am REAL ... and no, I dont/ didnt use drugs... if you were referring to their birth mom .. then thats HER business, NOT YOURS.
I have had people ask "what if their real parents see how cute they are and want them back?" ... again, wrong on many levels ... again with the "real" part ... and, well, MY kids are here with me because for one reason or another, their birth families were unable to do what was needed at the time to get them back. it was NOT because they didnt want them. Far from it. My kids' birth parents love these kids with all their hearts! They were just in a point in their life where they were not ready to parent, for one reason or another. they never thought their kids were "not cute" .. so when they see that they are cute now, it just means they are STILL cute ... and, I know that (sadly) it doesnt matter how much they want them back, my kids can not go back to their birth parents ... cute OR ugly.
And then there is the EVER popular, probably heard by just about EVERY adoptive family ... "now that you have adopted, you will get pregnant and have one of your own!" Ok, FIRST off, yes, there ARE a few families who have been blessed with pregnancy after adoption. Is this the NORM? FAR FROM IT. Adoption is NOT a 'cure all' for infertility. and SECOND ... ahem ... my kids ARE MY OWN!!!!!! So, do you think that if I DID become pregnant and have a bio child, that they would be more MY OWN then the ones I didnt give birth to?
My kids are JUST LIKE YOURS. I may not have given birth to them. Does it mean I love them any less than you love your kids? Nope. Does it mean I paid bookoo bucks to get them? NOPE .. I paid in heartache and years of pacing the floors, years of crying myself to sleep, PRAYING I would finally be a mom. There IS a difference though .... my kids each have TWO moms and TWO dads that love them. We are the mom and dad who live with them and take daily care of them ..their forever mom and dad. They also have a birth mom and a birth dad, who love them and pray for them as well. How lucky are my kids? VERY! BUT .. how lucky are Tom and I? Words can not describe how lucky we feel to have our kids.
So people ... I know that some of you are simply curious, most have only the best intentions ... but please, do me a favor? THINK before you SPEAK.
Well said!
ReplyDeleteI remember my mom being so upset about something a family friend said about my little brother and sister. He actually told someone my mom had six children, four of them her own. I don't think I have ever seen her so upset about something someone said. The worst thing was at the time he was looking into adoption! He now has an adopted child. But I can still see my mom seething cause he said Josh and Julie we not her children. People say so much without thinking how it sounds!
ReplyDeleteI agree with Jasmine that was very well said! Your isle six line was what my dad would always say, along with "we went to the baby store and picked up a baby. And they had a two for one special!"