my dream .. to be a mom

I remember being as young as 8 years old, and having dreams at night that I was all grown up, and pregnant.  I had dreams like that often.  I dont know if that is "NORMAL" for a child that young, but, alas, I had them.  I was always happy in my dreams.

When I was a little older, I would 'pretend' at night that I was pregnant ... I would get a small throw pillow, and put it under my shirt and pants, and look in the mirror .... and loved how I looked ...

All I ever wanted was to be a mom.

I am the youngest of 8 children.  To me, having a lot of kids was the "norm".  My sisters began having kids when I was much younger .. in fact, I was an aunt for the first time when I was 2 years old.  I have watched my 3 sisters have their children .. and watched their children grow up, and become moms themselves.  3 of my nieces were moms before me even.

I remember being on the phone with a dear friend a few weeks before Tom and I were married, and telling her, all excited, "There's a chance that this time next year I might already be a MOMMY!!!!"

Well, that time next year came and went, and no, I was not a mommy yet.  the FOLLOWING year that time came and went, and still, no.  we had begun infertility treatments by that time.  I had begun to know what it felt like to cry myself to sleep month after month after month.  I learned what it felt like, when I saw a woman pregnant, or holding a baby, and all I wanted to do was run away.

I also learned that there werent many people who "understood".  "Oh, it'll happen! dont worry!" ... "Stop TRYING and next thing you know you will be pregnant" .. "Stop stressing over it .. " ... "so, you dont WANT kids?" .... "oh, you're young, you have PLENTY of years to wait!" ... those were only a few of the lines that I received.  (oh, and then there are the lines Ive been getting since the adoptions!!! now THOSE are interesting ones, let me TELL you!)

I KNEW in my heart I was going to be a mom .. I KNEW it.  But, nothing was happening.  We went to infertility specialists, did treatments, and had a few 'successes' .. but, they turned into miscarriages.  Over the years I have had at least 11 miscarriages.  We did IVF twice (one fresh one frozen) ... and nothing.

The emotions were finally beyond anything I could take any longer.  And, to top it off, when we found out our last IVF had failed, Tom learned that he was being laid off from his job at IBM.  Which meant, in my eyes, I would never be a mom ... how could we afford treatments?  we couldnt even afford adoption with no JOB!!!!!

But, I somehow learned about foster to adopt.  it scared the daylights out of me, let me tell you.  How could I allow them to place a baby in my arms, knowing there was a chance that they would come back and take them away from me?!?!?!  BUT .. how could I NOT allow them to even TRY to place a baby in my arms, even for a short period of time, allowing me a chance to try on that odd, distant, impossible name, "MOMMY"?  So we went for it, and began the process to become foster parents, in the hopes of adopting.

The process took a lot longer than we had expected.  One of the things we needed done was a home inspection, which we were told we would get within 3 weeks after the paperwork was turned in . . . well, 3 weeks came and gone ... 6 weeks, came and gone ... 10 weeks, came and gone .. by that time I was a sobbing wreck.  I remember calling my mom one evening in tears, saying "I could have been LICENSED WEEKS ago .. who knows, I might have been missing the opportunity for babies already!!!! WHY ME!?!?!?!" ... she of course, did the best she could and tried to comfort me as best she could.  I love my mother dearly, but at the time all I felt was "she had 8 children, what does SHE know about what Im going through!" ... but, I pressed on, as she suggested .. what else was I to do?

Finally, EVERYTHING was simply waiting on that home inspection ... and after 13 weeks of waiting, I had someone come to the house and inspect.  He was at the house all of FIVE MINUTES!!!!!!  He called my info in, and the very next day, February 28, we were OFFICIALLY licensed foster parents!!!!!!

After that, I waited by the phone on pins and needles!  every time the phone rang, my heart skipped a beat .. wondering if it was going to be "THE" call!  Thankfully, I didnt have to wait long, because on March 11, 2003, I left in the morning to drive Tom to work .. and while I was gone, a phone call came, at our HOUSE! And yes, I wasnt HOME to get it!!!! Thank goodness for answering machines!! LOL

We learned about our beautiful little girl, Gina, on her 6 month birthday.  We were told on the machine that there was a pretty, dark haired baby girl, with teeny tiny little feet, and her name was Virginia.  If we were interested in learning more about it, please call back.  well, of COURSE we called ... we learned more about her .. and brought her home on March 21, 2003.  And that began my roll as the most wonderful person in the world ... MOMMY.

I have now been a mom for 7 1/2 years ... over that time I have been mommy to 13 little ones, 5 of whom are with us now.  It has always broken my heart to see one go, but my first 2, Gina and Christopher, are here forever ... and when one of our little ones left, I ALWAYS had my forever ones to hug and squeeze .. I will NEVER be without my children again.  I will forever be MOM.  Gina and Chris's adoptions are final, Gracie will  be final within the next couple months (we go from the foster agency to the adoption agency with her next month!!!) Maya will be within the next few months (there are a few more T's to cross and I's to dot .. but she WILL be here forever as well) .. and Nik is looking VERY much like he will be forever here as well.

I began at a very early age, wanting to be a mommy.  It didnt turn out how I had originally thought it would, but you know what?  As hard as it has been .. I wouldnt change it for the world.  My children are the best things that have ever happened to Tom and I.  I LOVE seeing my husband as the father he has become. And I LOVE the person that my children have turned me into.

Things dont always turn out how you want ... but always remember ... if you have a dream ... make it happen .. even if it does NOT happen how you originally dreamed it.  :)