Well .. quite a lot has happened lately, and I just need somewhere to go and talk. I have said a few things on facebook, but I honestly don't want to sound like I am whining and complaining all the time, ya know?
So, let me just let it out.
My wonderful, loving, strong, admirable father in law, has been fighting cancer for a few years now. we had a few scares late last year, which put Tom and I in the feeling to go to CA and visit, in October AND November. Well, here we are in January, and we are having to plan a trip, just me and Tom, to CA to have an official "good bye" visit with dad. His cancer is back again, and has been moving quickly through his brain... and the doctors are now feeling there is nothing left that they can do to stop it.
Next....
My beautiful, loving, wonderful big sister K was diagnosed last year with a very rare form of breast cancer, which is treatment resistant. She started her chemotherapy the first week of this month, and as of this week, has already lost enough hair that it was best just to shave the rest. She has to go through months of this Chemo ... oh, and did you know that Chemo comes in MANY different forms and strengths? I did not know that before now .. and K has to have a VERY strong strength.
Next....
Another of my beautiful, loving and wonderful big sisters, C, has been dealing with some major health issues the past 6 months or so .. and in the past 3 weeks, it has been so bad that she has been in the hospital most of the past 3 weeks ... and last week Friday she was transferred by helicopter to a better hospital and has been in ICU since. They have had to use many machines to help her ... and they just did a bone marrow biopsy, because they fear that she may have cancer again .. yes, that was "again".
Next....
Gracie has had to be more dependent on her gtube lately, as she has been having more days again where she chooses not to take enough orally. Especially liquid. For those who have never dealt with a baby or child with a g tube, remember, they don't put the tube in without reason. she is not just a "picky" eater .. she is not just a child that 'will eat when she is hungry' .. because no, she DOESN'T. I can't force her, because then, that backfires and she regresses even more.... so we try, we offer, we try again... and if she chooses not to, we have to use the tube. this is WHY she has the tube. but, I sure wish she didn't NEED the tube.
Next....
Maya has had headaches, which we suspect are migraines, 3 or 4 times a week for the past couple of months. She JUST turned 5, so I can't exactly ask exactly what she is experiencing during each headache, because she might not realize that this situation or that is related, so won't tell me. Over the past month we have discovered that they are mostly on the left side, sometimes directly on the top... her eyes are sometimes 'fuzzy' during the headaches, sometimes not ... sometimes her left eye HURTS during the headaches ... she told us this morning while eating breakfast she feels like she is going to throw up, and it happened to be a few minutes after she told me she had another headache ... I asked if that throw up feeling happens often, and she shook her head yes, when she has headaches, which is why she doesn't like to eat sometimes. So we have an MRI scheduled for Feb 9, and an ophthalmology appointment scheduled for mid April. I am keeping a record of her headaches and symptoms.
Next....
Well, after fighting with school for a few years with Gina, we are FINALLY in agreement that her ADD symptoms are enough to be effecting her school. (I have thought so for some time now!) so we are filling out paperwork, as well as the school, and we will FINALLY be working with Gina's doctor about looking at medication. We have tried for a few years to deal with her ADD without medicating, and now, we feel that is the next option. We see hope in the future here!!!
Next ....
Nikolas is a hyper toddler boy who loves to bite and yell and scream. the only thing on the extreme here is the biting, so I guess I can't complain TOO much but sheesh! how do you teach a non verbal 2 year old not to bite? and trust me, I have been trying for a few months now!
Next....
Christopher is a sweet loving wonderful helpful student at school! he has always done nothing but GREAT things at school! I am SO PROUD of him for that!!!!! but when he gets home, it allllll gets let go. I would rather have it this way, don't get me wrong. but sigh, I would LOVE to see the loving boy from school more often at HOME. he has a very hard time with his emotions... and its so hard, as a mother, to not feel like a failure as a mom, because he can act like an angel for everyone else! but at home its a different story. no, he is not a devil child. yes, he IS a sweetheart at home too ... but he has a lot of troubles with controlling his emotions at times at home ... much more often than we can say is 'normal age behavior'. so we are working on setting things up with a therapist to learn how to work with this situation at home. we are also working with Chris to help him realize that no matter WHAT, even if he acts 'off the norm' .. that we LOVE HIM REGARDLESS.
so thats a LOT going on right now with one family, right? there HAS to be SOME blessings in there SOMEWHERE, RIGHT? well, yes, there ARE.
1. I have faith that when we leave this life, that there IS life beyond this life. I KNOW in my heart that when we do say goodbye to our loved ones, that it is just a temporary goodbye and that we WILL see them once more. that they will no longer be trapped in hurting bodies. yes, I sure hope we do not have to say goodbye for a VERY VERY LONG TIME ... but when we DO ... it will not be for forever.
2. My kids have great doctors, who know what they are doing. they are taking care of them and helping them with their health problems. yes, sometimes it stinks having to go through it, but since we DO have to, we sure are lucky to have a great medical team to work with!!!!!!!!
3. I HAVE a GREAT FOREVER FAMILY! we may be facing a LOT of difficulties right now, but I KNOW the the Lord will NOT place things in our path that we can NOT handle. He LOVE me, and He is with me the whole time!
so yeah... if you feel that I am complaining or whining, then so be it. there honestly is a LOT going on right now, and I just can't sit in it and not talk it out. that is NOT how "I" can get through all of this. But as I said, I am trying to dig deep and find blessings in this. because there will always be a blessing in something, if you look enough for it. the Lord WILL bless us! PERIOD! and I have to have enough faith that this is true. or else, how can anyone get through something like this?
18.7.11
Well, here we are again ..
I am one week into another 8 week challenge, and I guess its about time to type things up here. Ive been using my paper journal so far, but, alas, I didn't feel like cramping my hand today ;) its interesting how lazy we as a people are now when it comes to writing. I CAN'T be the only one who prefers to TYPE things,, than to laboriously hand write pages of information.....
But I digress ...
We are now 3 weeks away as of today, from finalizing Maya and Gracie's adoptions. I am so thrilled I can't even tell you! We have had to say goodbye to EIGHT children .. some of them we knew were only short term in our care, while others were longer term, but that doesn't take away the fact that we cared for them,, fell in love with them (how can you NOT fall in love with a child?) and had to say goodbye to them. We had a few though that were "supposed" to stay in our family forever, and yet, things happened, and we had to say goodbye to them as well. But now, here we are ... 3 weeks away from REALLY, and TRULY finalizing the adoptions of two of our beautiful daughters. and there is nothing but three weeks that will stand in the way of this event.
Nikolas is now officially legally free for adoption, as of 7/13 ... and his case worker is working fast to get his case transferred to the adoption agency. Once his case is transferred, within the next couple of weeks, we can then get things ready to finalize HIS adoption. This means, within the next couple of months, our family will FINALLY "OFFICIALLY" be complete! No more case workers, no more lawyers, no more judges... NONE of that... just a NORMAL FOREVER FAMILY!
In the 13 years we have been married, 12 of them have been spent working to this moment. we spent years dealing with infertility and the pains therein, and then years of dealing with the foster care system (and the pains THEREIN) ... after 12 years, we are finally going to be able to just BE A FAMILY!!! OUR OWN FAMILY!
I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and it is oh so beautiful!
But I digress ...
We are now 3 weeks away as of today, from finalizing Maya and Gracie's adoptions. I am so thrilled I can't even tell you! We have had to say goodbye to EIGHT children .. some of them we knew were only short term in our care, while others were longer term, but that doesn't take away the fact that we cared for them,, fell in love with them (how can you NOT fall in love with a child?) and had to say goodbye to them. We had a few though that were "supposed" to stay in our family forever, and yet, things happened, and we had to say goodbye to them as well. But now, here we are ... 3 weeks away from REALLY, and TRULY finalizing the adoptions of two of our beautiful daughters. and there is nothing but three weeks that will stand in the way of this event.
Nikolas is now officially legally free for adoption, as of 7/13 ... and his case worker is working fast to get his case transferred to the adoption agency. Once his case is transferred, within the next couple of weeks, we can then get things ready to finalize HIS adoption. This means, within the next couple of months, our family will FINALLY "OFFICIALLY" be complete! No more case workers, no more lawyers, no more judges... NONE of that... just a NORMAL FOREVER FAMILY!
In the 13 years we have been married, 12 of them have been spent working to this moment. we spent years dealing with infertility and the pains therein, and then years of dealing with the foster care system (and the pains THEREIN) ... after 12 years, we are finally going to be able to just BE A FAMILY!!! OUR OWN FAMILY!
I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and it is oh so beautiful!
7.1.11
Solitude
I was wondering what to type about tonight ... closed my eyes, and all of a sudden I was able to picture something that happened when I was a young women.
When I was at girls camp, when I was about 15 years old, we had a planned moment of solitude. We were camping in a beautiful pine forest in CA. We were asked to take our scriptures, and go out (not TOO FAR, dont get LOST now LOL) into a private part of the woods ... where it is quiet, peaceful, and secluded.
Then we were to sit down on the forest floor, and spend that time as we see fit ... scriptures in hand ... in nature ... alone.
Let me tell you, it was, even to this day, one of the most beautiful memories I have! I can close my eyes and actually see the spot in my minds eye. smell the beautiful scent of the pine forest. hear the birds, and small animals as they wander the forest heights! It was SO peaceful! So serene! so ... close to my Father in Heaven.
I haven't done this (solitude in nature) in a VERY long time. I need to. its NOT easy to have solitude at the moment LOL busy mom of 5 and all that jazz ... but, (sigh) ... I think its that time again .. because I KNOW I will be a better wife, mother, and friend .... if I can be better for myself.
When I was at girls camp, when I was about 15 years old, we had a planned moment of solitude. We were camping in a beautiful pine forest in CA. We were asked to take our scriptures, and go out (not TOO FAR, dont get LOST now LOL) into a private part of the woods ... where it is quiet, peaceful, and secluded.
Then we were to sit down on the forest floor, and spend that time as we see fit ... scriptures in hand ... in nature ... alone.
Let me tell you, it was, even to this day, one of the most beautiful memories I have! I can close my eyes and actually see the spot in my minds eye. smell the beautiful scent of the pine forest. hear the birds, and small animals as they wander the forest heights! It was SO peaceful! So serene! so ... close to my Father in Heaven.
I haven't done this (solitude in nature) in a VERY long time. I need to. its NOT easy to have solitude at the moment LOL busy mom of 5 and all that jazz ... but, (sigh) ... I think its that time again .. because I KNOW I will be a better wife, mother, and friend .... if I can be better for myself.
6.1.11
"but Im telling the TRUTH this time!"
So, Gina is going through the wonderful phase of lying. AND, she gets SO UPSET if anyone doesnt believe her.
I have mentioned quite a few times that she needs to tell the truth more often, for us to believe her more often. And when I catch her in a lie, she sobs, "how come NO one EVER believes me, even when I TRY to tell the truth!"
Well, I was able to give her a great, BIG example tonight.
While I was helping Chris with his homework, I asked Gina to pour a bowl of cereal for Maya. A few minutes later, Maya came into the room and said that Gina still had not poured the bowl. I asked Gina and she said "Yes, I made her the cereal in the BLUE bowl that is in the sink! she already ate it all!" (which by the way, could NOT have happened because Maya happens to be one of the slowest eaters ever LOL) ... Maya shook her head and said "no mommy, she did NOT give me cereal." Gina yet again said "YES, I DID Maya!"
I looked at Gina, and asked her flat out, "did you, or did you NOT make a bowl of cereal for Maya?" she looked at me and said "but mommy, why dont you believe me?!?! Im telling the truth all the time now!"
I went to the sink, and yes, there IS a blue bowl there ... was it fresh? Nope. from this afternoon. I asked Gina again "did you or did you NOT make Maya a bowl of cereal? because THIS blue bowl, the ONLY blue bowl in the sink, is from this afternoon, so it could not have been from Maya's cereal. Plus, Maya is a VERY slow eater, so she could NOT have finished a bowl of cereal in the 2 minutes it took for her to come talk with me again."
Gina looked down, and whispered "no mom."
So, I used this as a learning experience for her. I asked her if she was telling me the TRUTH, or telling me a LIE when she told me that she made the bowl? She answered "a lie mommy". I asked her if she told me that she was TELLING the TRUTH "THIS TIME" ... she whispered "yes mommy, I said that" ... So I asked her to count up how many lies she had just been caught saying. She looked down and said "two".
I then asked her how she thinks I can believe her, if she even swears she is telling the truth "this time" when she IS actually telling a LIE. And I told her that until she can PROVE to me that she IS telling the truth more often, then I am going to have an issue believing what she says. And by simply saying "but I AM telling the TRUTH this time" isnt going to work, because she says that even when she is NOT.
If she wants me to believe her, then she NEEDS to tell the truth. when she IS telling the truth, most of the time I WILL know.
Ahh the joys of parenting.
I have mentioned quite a few times that she needs to tell the truth more often, for us to believe her more often. And when I catch her in a lie, she sobs, "how come NO one EVER believes me, even when I TRY to tell the truth!"
Well, I was able to give her a great, BIG example tonight.
While I was helping Chris with his homework, I asked Gina to pour a bowl of cereal for Maya. A few minutes later, Maya came into the room and said that Gina still had not poured the bowl. I asked Gina and she said "Yes, I made her the cereal in the BLUE bowl that is in the sink! she already ate it all!" (which by the way, could NOT have happened because Maya happens to be one of the slowest eaters ever LOL) ... Maya shook her head and said "no mommy, she did NOT give me cereal." Gina yet again said "YES, I DID Maya!"
I looked at Gina, and asked her flat out, "did you, or did you NOT make a bowl of cereal for Maya?" she looked at me and said "but mommy, why dont you believe me?!?! Im telling the truth all the time now!"
I went to the sink, and yes, there IS a blue bowl there ... was it fresh? Nope. from this afternoon. I asked Gina again "did you or did you NOT make Maya a bowl of cereal? because THIS blue bowl, the ONLY blue bowl in the sink, is from this afternoon, so it could not have been from Maya's cereal. Plus, Maya is a VERY slow eater, so she could NOT have finished a bowl of cereal in the 2 minutes it took for her to come talk with me again."
Gina looked down, and whispered "no mom."
So, I used this as a learning experience for her. I asked her if she was telling me the TRUTH, or telling me a LIE when she told me that she made the bowl? She answered "a lie mommy". I asked her if she told me that she was TELLING the TRUTH "THIS TIME" ... she whispered "yes mommy, I said that" ... So I asked her to count up how many lies she had just been caught saying. She looked down and said "two".
I then asked her how she thinks I can believe her, if she even swears she is telling the truth "this time" when she IS actually telling a LIE. And I told her that until she can PROVE to me that she IS telling the truth more often, then I am going to have an issue believing what she says. And by simply saying "but I AM telling the TRUTH this time" isnt going to work, because she says that even when she is NOT.
If she wants me to believe her, then she NEEDS to tell the truth. when she IS telling the truth, most of the time I WILL know.
Ahh the joys of parenting.
5.1.11
rainbows
ok . . . rainbows are interesting things. you cant see them if its simply pouring down rain. you cant see them when it is purely sunny. You can only see them when there is a combination. When there is water and light combined.
But, you can never CATCH a rainbow. Try as you might .. if you see a rainbow, and try and walk closer to it, you will NEVER get closer.
There are times when I want so badly simply to reach out and grab that colorful beautiful peaceful looking rainbow, and keep it all for myself. I can imagine the warmth of it .. the brightness of it .. the beauty of the shimmering colors even brighter as they are CLOSER ... but try and try ... it'll never happen.
BUT ... when I am having one of those "bla" days (which, sadly, has been a few too often lately .. but eh, thats life!) ... I can try and look for "MY" rainbow. If my day is 'cloudy' and feels like rain ... I have to be the one to look for the sunlight to be able to find my rainbow. I have to admit, there are times when it really is hard to find that rainbow. sometimes I dont really WANT to find that stupid rainbow, cause then it would mean I would have to find some sort of brightness in the day. sigh.
and again .. BUT ... I guess I should keep on looking ... cause when I DO find that rainbow, I can at least smile. it might not be my BEST smile, but its a smile. and sometimes thats all that counts.
But, you can never CATCH a rainbow. Try as you might .. if you see a rainbow, and try and walk closer to it, you will NEVER get closer.
There are times when I want so badly simply to reach out and grab that colorful beautiful peaceful looking rainbow, and keep it all for myself. I can imagine the warmth of it .. the brightness of it .. the beauty of the shimmering colors even brighter as they are CLOSER ... but try and try ... it'll never happen.
BUT ... when I am having one of those "bla" days (which, sadly, has been a few too often lately .. but eh, thats life!) ... I can try and look for "MY" rainbow. If my day is 'cloudy' and feels like rain ... I have to be the one to look for the sunlight to be able to find my rainbow. I have to admit, there are times when it really is hard to find that rainbow. sometimes I dont really WANT to find that stupid rainbow, cause then it would mean I would have to find some sort of brightness in the day. sigh.
and again .. BUT ... I guess I should keep on looking ... cause when I DO find that rainbow, I can at least smile. it might not be my BEST smile, but its a smile. and sometimes thats all that counts.
4.1.11
Today was one of those days . .
Today was for SURE 'one of THOSE days' ... it started out with Gina not getting ready for school, when she had a LOT of time to do so . . and the getting upset at me because I was NOT happy with her over not being anywhere NEAR ready when it was time to leave for the bus .... (we made it to the stop JUST as the bus arrived!)
Then there were other issues ... bank issues, bill issues, etc.
all in all, it was NOT the best of days. BUT ... it wasnt all bad.
I was able to keep on track with eating, drinking water, and exercising. The exercising actually helped de-stress me. I did half an hour of walking on the treadmill, and 15 minutes of working with my tummy cruncher. I turned on music and enjoyed listening while exercising. Then Tom came home, and we watched shows together. I was able to snuggle with my kids ... and enjoy spending time with my family, at home, just relaxing.
So, it might have been 'one of those days' .. but at the same time, it was a GOOD day .. or rather, EVENING/NIGHT. So, I guess, I really cant complain. I survived ... and am relaxed and OK this evening. :)
So far, for the 2 days I have been doing this second challenge, I have done pretty good. I am on target for all of the tasks, and, Im working on two, not one but TWO new years resolutions. One of them can be done daily, one of them monthly. So, I am going to KEEP them up and I KNOW I am going to do just fine. :)
Then there were other issues ... bank issues, bill issues, etc.
all in all, it was NOT the best of days. BUT ... it wasnt all bad.
I was able to keep on track with eating, drinking water, and exercising. The exercising actually helped de-stress me. I did half an hour of walking on the treadmill, and 15 minutes of working with my tummy cruncher. I turned on music and enjoyed listening while exercising. Then Tom came home, and we watched shows together. I was able to snuggle with my kids ... and enjoy spending time with my family, at home, just relaxing.
So, it might have been 'one of those days' .. but at the same time, it was a GOOD day .. or rather, EVENING/NIGHT. So, I guess, I really cant complain. I survived ... and am relaxed and OK this evening. :)
So far, for the 2 days I have been doing this second challenge, I have done pretty good. I am on target for all of the tasks, and, Im working on two, not one but TWO new years resolutions. One of them can be done daily, one of them monthly. So, I am going to KEEP them up and I KNOW I am going to do just fine. :)
3.1.11
and the new challenge has begun
Welcome to 2011 people! I am sitting here, eating my yummy 4 berry smoothie, while writing in my blog .. and fullfilling TWO of my points at once! hehehe
So, this is a perfect time to begin the second challenge. New years, bring new years resolutions .. and how many of us actually FOLLOW THROUGH with our resolutions each year? Well, I followed through with the first challenge .. lost 30 pounds, and 6 inches off my waist ... and I KNOW it works .. so, this time, I WILL follow through with my new years resolution .. because along with this challenge, we are asked to set a new years resolution, that can NOT be changed ... and we gain an extra point if we follow through with that resolution ... so Im set in stone baby!
This years resolution? keep a CLEANER HOUSE. Will I follow through? YES!
I will be going to the store and do some shopping today, so that I can have a kitchen full of HEALTHY, "challenge approved" food ;) .... and we are ON!
So, this is a perfect time to begin the second challenge. New years, bring new years resolutions .. and how many of us actually FOLLOW THROUGH with our resolutions each year? Well, I followed through with the first challenge .. lost 30 pounds, and 6 inches off my waist ... and I KNOW it works .. so, this time, I WILL follow through with my new years resolution .. because along with this challenge, we are asked to set a new years resolution, that can NOT be changed ... and we gain an extra point if we follow through with that resolution ... so Im set in stone baby!
This years resolution? keep a CLEANER HOUSE. Will I follow through? YES!
I will be going to the store and do some shopping today, so that I can have a kitchen full of HEALTHY, "challenge approved" food ;) .... and we are ON!
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